- 09-10-2009, 01:05 PM #3
I like this one
> *A business man got on an elevator. *
> *When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
> with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
> He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
> She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
> He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
> smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
> The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
> The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
> 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
> The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
And F-Y-I I posted this on a Thursday lol :)
- 10-24-2011, 01:47 PM #8
man walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bar tender walks over and asks him what he would like to drink. At the same time, from inside the shirt of the bartender, a little man climbs out with a keyboard and sets up shop on the bar and begins playing the piano.
"WHAT THE **** IS THAT?" says the man to the bartender
"A genie around the corner is granting every one 1 wish if your interested" he replies.
So the man gets up and rushes for the door
"I have to warm you though..." says the bartender as he gets intereputed by the man running out the door.
"I know. Be careful what I wish for." And the man proceeds around the corner to the genie.
The genie asks" What can I grant you? Only 1 wish"
The man replies "I wish for a million bucks!"
POOF! And like magic ducks appear all over the street.
"That is not what I wished for!"
"Just one wish" says the genie and disappeared
Annoyed the man walked back to the bar needing a drink after blowing his only chance to become rich.
"So what did you wish for?" asked the bar tender.
"I wished for a million bucks but the genie is hard of hearing. He gave me a million ducks."
"That is what I was trying to tell you earlier," said the bartender "do you really think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"In the Vortex...
- 12-04-2011, 12:29 PM #11
Once upon a time there was Jesus and he was looking for his father in the woods...
He found a little house, knocked and a man came to the door.
Jesus: Excuse me, I am looking for my father.
Man: And I am looking for my son.
Jesus: Well the thing is, the guy I am looking for isn't exactly my father.
Man: And the guy I am looking for isn't exactly my son.
Jesus: Could it be... FATHER!!!
No offence to religion intended of course, it's just a joke :)
- 01-07-2012, 07:39 AM #14
Two guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at one of them, shouting ,"Your mom is the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him, so the drunk leaves him alone...
10 minutes later, the drunk comes again and says to him, "I did your mom yesterday and it was sw-e-et!"
Again, the guy refuses to take bait and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
20 minutes later the drunk comes back and shouts, "I'm gonna pay her a visit tomorrow! She's gonna like it!"
Finally the guy interrupts him and says "Go home dad, you are wasted."
- 01-19-2012, 11:29 AM #16
Conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Whould you get married again?
Man: Defenitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Ok, I'd get married again...
WOMAN: You would???
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Whould you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: Yeah, I guess I would.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't, she's left-handed.
MAN: Oh ****
- 02-21-2012, 09:26 AM #19
Okay this might cross the line regarding the no swearing policy but i'll take my chances!
One day Bob at school, after the class was dismissed and all the other kids were gone told his teacher:
BOB: Ms Smith, I have 15$. If you let me touch your tits i'll give it to you!
Ms SMITH: What?? How dare you?
BOB: Ok i'll give you 50$.
Ms smith gave it a thought and agreed... After he touches her tits Bob says:
BOB: I'll give you another 100$ if you let me grab your @ss.
MS SMITH: Yeah ok i guess i'll take the offer.
Bob grabbed her @ss for a minute, gave her the money and said:
BOB: Since we have already done foreplay, I'll give you 700$ if we have sex.
Ms smith considered his offer and agreed for a quicky....
While the teacher was all happy because she made so much money in so little time she run into the headmaster and she said with joy:
MS SMITH: Hello headmaster. You look lovely today!
Headmaster: Thank you very much ms Smith. I see you are in a good mood! Did Bob gave you your paycheck that I told him to bring to you?
- 05-17-2012, 03:30 AM #21
Well since no one else is posting jokes, I'll post another one.
A father walks by a general store and sees that they have for sale a robot that slaps anybody who lies. So he buys it.
Later that day he decides to test it over dinner with his son and wife so he puts it next to the table.
Father: How was school today son?
Son: Awesome! I paid attention in all the classes.
"Robot slaps son"
Son: Ok I skipped 3 classes...
Father: Really? Why?
Son: I went to the library to prepare for a test.
"Robot slaps son"
Son: Ok ok I went to the strip club...
Mother: Hahaha he truly is your son!
"Robot slaps mother"