let's hear yours.
ill kik it off with this one I found on the net:
Letter to the Bank.
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check, and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
refer,of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted
by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
affairs in 2004, taking as my model the
procedures,attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I
can think of no greater compliment, and I know you
will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic,but will arrive at your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware
that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such anenvelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about
me,there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of
the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts,assets and abilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it can
not be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
you to my new telephone system, which you will notice,
is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
and will be answeredby an
automated voice
.Press buttons as follows:
1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there;(Extension of living room to be communicated at
the time the call is received).
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.(Extension of bedroom to be communicated at
the time the call is received.)
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the
time the callis received.)
6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer. To leave a
message a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.
8 To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
options1 through 9
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry.The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait,uplifting music will play for the duration. This
month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
of Woody Guthrie:""Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,And the vaults are filled with
silver, That the miners
sweated for."After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes
at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on
to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some
costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will
read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed
at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed
back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, financial year.
Your humble client,
Joe Blow
ill kik it off with this one I found on the net:
Letter to the Bank.
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check, and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
refer,of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted
by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
affairs in 2004, taking as my model the
procedures,attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I
can think of no greater compliment, and I know you
will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic,but will arrive at your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware
that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such anenvelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about
me,there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of
the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts,assets and abilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it can
not be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
you to my new telephone system, which you will notice,
is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
and will be answeredby an
automated voice
.Press buttons as follows:
1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there;(Extension of living room to be communicated at
the time the call is received).
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.(Extension of bedroom to be communicated at
the time the call is received.)
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the
time the callis received.)
6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer. To leave a
message a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.
8 To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
options1 through 9
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry.The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait,uplifting music will play for the duration. This
month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
of Woody Guthrie:""Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,And the vaults are filled with
silver, That the miners
sweated for."After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes
at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on
to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some
costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will
read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed
at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed
back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, financial year.
Your humble client,
Joe Blow
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