1. rhapdog's Avatar
    I haven't seen this anywhere yet. I'm trying to compile a list of all current Cortana jokes. I'm not sure if it's by region/language, but I'm in the USA, and have compiled a list of 40 jokes that Cortana will tell when you ask her to "Tell me a joke."

    This is what I have so far, sorted alphabetically.
    1. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."
    2. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
    3. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
    4. A man walks into a library and asks, "Can I have a cheeseburger?" The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library." The man whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger?"
    5. An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here." The disease replies, "Well you're not a very good host."
    6. Did you hear about the motherboard who ran away to join the circuits?
    7. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
    8. Don't trust the atoms. They make up everything.
    9. How do you catch a runaway laptop? With an internet.
    10. I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me not to go into those places.
    11. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    12. I'd tell a chemestry joke, but I'm afraid I wouldn't get a reaction.
    13. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    14. The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into the bar.
    15. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    16. There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure
    17. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    18. Two antennas got married. The ceremony dragged on, but the reception was excellent.
    19. Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to trive this thing?"
    20. Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. No invertebrates were harmed in the making of this joke.
    21. Two snowmen are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots, too."
    22. What did the passive-agressive raven say? "Nevermind. Nevermind."
    23. What did the zero say to the eight? "Nice belt."
    24. What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common? The same middle name.
    25. What do you call a dog who can do magic? A labracadabrador.
    26. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
    27. What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!
    28. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
    29. What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
    30. What kind of underwear do clouds wear? Thunderpants.
    31. What part of the keyboard do astronauts like best? The space bar.
    32. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
    33. Which way did the computer coder go? He went data way.
    34. Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court? Circumference.
    35. Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser.
    36. Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
    37. Why didn't the spider go to school? Because she learned everything on the web.
    38. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels.
    39. Why do sharks live in saltwater? Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.
    40. Why was the calendar nervous? It's days were numbered.

    Let me know if you've seen others, and what they are.

    I can always upload screen captures of each one, as I have done a screen capture as well to record them. I just haven't uploaded them anywhere yet. If requested, I'll convert each joke above to a link to a screen capture of the joke.
    xandros9, ven07, aximtreo and 3 others like this.
    01-12-2015 06:31 PM
  2. ven07's Avatar
    I admire your passion :/
    Theayalalalalon likes this.
    01-12-2015 07:16 PM
  3. Theayalalalalon's Avatar

    Posted via the Windows Central App for Android
    01-12-2015 10:27 PM
  4. fwopkins's Avatar
    Importantly, if you ask Cortana to tell you a dirty joke she will reply with 35:
    Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser.
    01-03-2016 05:04 AM
  5. eusty's Avatar
    Being a programmer this made sense to me, but I had to explain it a few times to my wife!


    I've seen loads not on your list, wonder if it's because I'm in the UK?
    01-03-2016 08:40 AM
  6. ashdown43's Avatar
    Being a programmer this made sense to me, but I had to explain it a few times to my wife!

    Click image for larger version. 

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    I've seen loads not on your list, wonder if it's because I'm in the UK?
    I've heard this before, in US
    01-04-2016 11:44 AM
  7. BBJonbo's Avatar
    Wish I could get Cortana to talk back. Only get bing searches nit much of anything works with Cortana om my 950xl in Canada. So far very disappointing.
    01-16-2016 10:35 PM
  8. Josh Harman's Avatar
    Edit: Deleted
    Last edited by Josh Harman; 01-21-2016 at 08:18 PM.
    01-16-2016 10:50 PM
  9. stevethemanmann's Avatar
    01-04-2018 09:37 PM

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