MY SURFACE ******* WORKS!!! I am so happy right now :grin: I was so ready to pack it up and return it, but I thought I'd give it one last try to fix it. The only thing I hadn't done was update it. I tried but every time I clicked "Check Now" for updates, it said error. I tried SO MANY TIMES. I restarted it a bunch of times and it had this error each time.
Well yesterday I heard that the store I bought it from (and also work at) was visited by a Microsoft technician a couple of weeks ago and he said that the staff should tell people that this exact issue (No battery detected) might happen and that they need to fully update it to fix it. Kinda annoyed nobody told me that when I was there. So anyway, I tried to download updates again but it kept getting the same error. Finally, somehow, it worked and spent ages looking for updates. I spent a few hours fully updating the Surface only to find that it did not get rid of the no battery detected error. I was so pissed. I shut it down and left it charging overnight, mostly because I was too angry to deal with packing it up.
This morning I got the box out and started packing it up. I unplugged the charging cable and wrapped it up, then I picked up my Surface. I stared at it, utterly disappointed that it didn't work. I thought I'd try turning it on one last time; it only ever worked when plugged in and charging. IT WAS CHARGED 100%. I'm ecstatic right now. I will keep wary of my 2 week return policy, but all seems good for now. I hope this is just the funny "how'd you meet" story on my Surface and I's long journey together.
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR COMMENTS