1. stalemate1's Avatar
    let's hear yours.

    ill kik it off with this one I found on the net:

    Letter to the Bank.
    Dear Sir
    I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
    which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
    my calculations some three nanoseconds must have
    elapsed between his presenting the check, and the
    arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
    refer,of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
    entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
    been in place for eight years. You are to be commended
    for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
    debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
    inconvenience I caused to your bank.
    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
    incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
    ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
    righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted
    by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
    affairs in 2004, taking as my model the
    procedures,attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I
    can think of no greater compliment, and I know you
    will be excited and proud to hear it.
    To this end, please be advised about the following
    changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally
    attend to your telephone calls and
    letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
    impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity
    which your bank has
    become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
    with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan
    repayments will, therefore and
    hereafter, no longer be automatic,but will arrive at your
    bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
    to an employee of your
    branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware
    that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
    person to open such anenvelope.
    Please find attached an Application Contact Status
    which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
    sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
    much about him or her as your bank knows about
    me,there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
    his or her
    medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of
    the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
    financial situation (income, debts,assets and abilities)
    must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
    course I will issue your employee with a PIN number
    which he/she
    must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it can
    not be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
    it on the number of button
    presses required to access my account balance on your
    phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
    sincerest form of flattery.
    Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
    you to my new telephone system, which you will notice,
    is very much like yours. My
    Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
    whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
    and will be answeredby an
    automated voice
    .Press buttons as follows:
    1 To make an appointment to see me
    2 To query a missing repayment
    3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
    there;(Extension of living room to be communicated at
    the time the call is received).
    4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
    sleeping.(Extension of bedroom to be communicated at
    the time the call is received.)
    5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
    to nature.(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the
    time the callis received.)
    6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
    not at home.
    7 To leave a message on my computer. To leave a
    message a password to access my computer is
    required. Password will be communicated
    at a later date to the contact.
    8 To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
    options1 through 9
    9 To make a general complaint or inquiry.The contact
    will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
    automated answering service.
    While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
    wait,uplifting music will play for the duration. This
    month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
    of Woody Guthrie:""Oh, the banks are made of marble,
    With a guard at every door,And the vaults are filled with
    silver, That the miners
    sweated for."After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
    contact will probably know it by heart.
    On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
    As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
    for greater efficiency comes
    at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on
    to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some
    costs back. First, there is the
    matter of advertising material you send me. This I will
    read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
    nominated contact will be billed
    at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
    Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
    of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed
    back to you. My new phone
    service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
    doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
    keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
    but again following your example, I must also levy an
    establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
    May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
    prosperous, financial year.
    Your humble client,
    Joe Blow
    mpt15 likes this.
    10-08-2013 07:36 AM
  2. passntyme's Avatar
    "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids. He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied: "Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already."
    stalemate1 likes this.
    10-08-2013 07:54 AM
  3. stalemate1's Avatar
    Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a
    Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
    Why can't women apply mascara with their mouths
    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    Why is a boxing ring square?
    Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
    Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
    address, you turn down the volume of the radio?
    Why is lemon juice made from artificial flavour and
    dishwashing liquid made from real lemons?
    Why is the man who invests all his money called a
    Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
    Why can't they make the whole plane out of the
    material used to make thay little indestructible black
    10-08-2013 01:59 PM
  4. stalemate1's Avatar
    Chilli Cook-off
    Recently I was honored to be selected
    as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in
    my Community, to be a judge at a Chilli
    cook-off because no one else wanted
    to do it. Also the original person called
    in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the
    judge's table asking directions to the
    beer wagon when the call came.
    I was assured by the other two judges
    that the Chilli wouldn't be all that
    spicy, and besides they told me I could
    have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted this as being one of those
    burdens you endure when you're an
    internet writer and therefore known
    and adored by all. Here are the
    scorecards from the event:
    Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster
    Monster Chilli
    Judge One: A little too heavy on
    tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato
    flavour Very mild.
    Frank: Great smokes!, what is this stuff?
    You could remove dried paint from
    your driveway with it. Took me two
    beers to put the flames out. Hope
    that's the worst one.
    These people are crazy.
    Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
    Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a
    hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs
    more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Frank: Keep this out of reach of
    children! I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
    wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver.
    Shoved my way to the front of the beer
    line. The barmaid looks like a
    professional wrestler after a bad night.
    She was so irritated over my gagging
    sounds that the snake tattoo under her
    eye started to twitch. She has arms like
    Popeye and a face like Winston
    Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with
    Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down
    the Barn Chilli
    Judge One: Excellent firehouse Chilli!
    Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge Two: A beanless Chilli, a bit salty,
    good use of red peppers.
    Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call
    the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
    My nose feels like I have been sneezing
    Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
    now and got out of my way so I could
    make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
    pounded me on the back; now my
    backbone is in the front part of my
    chest. She said her friends call her
    "Sally." Probably behind her back they
    call her "Forklift."
    Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge One: Black bean Chilli with
    almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black
    beans. Good side dish for fish or other
    mild foods, not much of a Chilli.
    Frank: I felt something scraping across
    my tongue but was unable to taste it.
    Sally was standing behind me with
    fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
    over to see her. When she winked at me
    her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled...
    it's kinda cute.
    Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge One: Meaty, strong Chilli.
    Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge Two: Chilli using shredded beef;
    could use more tomato. Must admit the
    cayenne peppers make a strong
    Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no
    longer focus my eyes. I belched and
    four people in front of me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed
    hurt when I told her that her Chilli had
    given me brain damage. Sally saved my
    tongue by pouring beer directly on it
    from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that
    one of the other judges asked me to
    stop screaming.
    Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
    Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian
    variety Chilli. Good balance of spice and
    Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use
    of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Frank: My intestines are now a straight
    pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one
    seems inclined to stand behind me
    except Sally. I asked if she wants to go
    dancing later.
    Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation
    Judge One: A mediocre Chilli with too
    much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
    chef threw in canned Chilli peppers at
    the last moment. I should note that I
    am worried about Judge Number 3, he
    appears to be in a bit of distress.
    Frank: You could put a hand grenade in
    my mouth and pull the pin and I
    wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in
    one eye and the world sounds like it is
    made of rushing water. My clothes are
    covered with Chilli which slid unnoticed
    out of my mouth at some point. Good,
    at autopsy they'll know what killed me.
    Go Sally, save yourself before it's too
    late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was
    not there to conceive them. I've
    decided to stop breathing, it's too
    painful and I'm not getting any oxygen
    anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in
    through the hole in my stomach. Call
    the X-Files people and tell them I've
    found a super nova on my tongue.
    Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
    Judge One: This final entry is a good,
    balanced Chilli, neither mild nor hot.
    Sorry to see that most of it was lost
    when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
    the Chilli pot on top of himself.
    Judge Two: A perfect ending, this is a
    nice blend Chilli, safe for all, not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its
    Frank: Momma...
    10-08-2013 02:00 PM
  5. stalemate1's Avatar
    Please if you are American then please do not take
    what I here this took place in 2004 I think, I'm not sure
    if its true but anyway.
    Now there was this American aircraft carrier in some
    watter space some where and they were traveling and
    traveling and suddenly noticed a blimp on their radar, so
    they radio the blimp and say to it "this is the American
    aircraft carrier 152 Hamsly (cant remember name but
    anyway) start your engines and move out our way" no
    response...so they call the deck manager and he says
    the same but no reply...then the junior officer goes on
    the radio and says the same thing but again no
    response from the blimp so they call the senior officer,
    he says the same thing to the blimp and again no
    reply...so then they bring the warrent officer and he
    says to the blimp on the radio "you are in our course,
    start your engines and move off" no reply from the
    blimp...then the commanding officer says the same
    thing but yet again no reponce or reply from the blimp
    on the radar, so taken back he calls the commander
    and fills him on the details of what's happening with
    this blimp so the commander radios the blimp and says
    " this is the American aircraft carrier 152 Hamsly, start
    your engines and move out our way immediately or we
    will open fire and sink you" a reply comes back from the
    blimp "this is a light house"
    10-08-2013 02:02 PM
  6. stalemate1's Avatar
    Here's another I got of the net.
    I would like to share an experience with you all, about
    drinking and driving.
    As you well know, some of us have been known to have
    had brushes with the authorities on our way home from
    the odd social session
    over the years.
    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with
    some friends and had a few too many beers and some
    rather nice red wine.
    Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit,
    I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus
    Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was
    a bus they waved it past.
    I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real
    surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not
    even sure where I got
    10-08-2013 02:04 PM
  7. stalemate1's Avatar
    Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres
    Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres
    Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood -
    30 metres
    Scuba diving world record - 137 metres
    World war 2 submarine - 200 metres
    Depth my 14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres
    Cheers Casio, that's a relief
    10-08-2013 02:08 PM
  8. stalemate1's Avatar
    Dear World,
    Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end
    there because
    some Spanish dirt bags invaded our country and we got
    a little busy, ok?
    The Mayans
    Dadstar0410 likes this.
    10-08-2013 02:09 PM
  9. stalemate1's Avatar
    Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency)
    frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to
    Dubai ..
    Iranian Air Defence Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in
    Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
    Aircraft: 'This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi
    Air Defence Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do
    not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor
    Aircraft: 'This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter.
    Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
    Air Defence Site: ( .... Total silence)
    10-08-2013 02:10 PM
  10. stalemate1's Avatar
    The Mule Raffle
    An old country farmer with serious financial problems
    bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who
    agreed to deliver the mule the
    next day.
    However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but
    I have some bad news." "The mule died."
    "Well, then, just give me my money back."
    "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
    "OK, then. Just unload the mule."
    "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
    "I'm going to raffle him off."
    "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
    "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
    A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold
    the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead
    "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500
    tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."
    "Didn't anyone complain?"
    "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
    nohra likes this.
    10-08-2013 02:12 PM
  11. stalemate1's Avatar
    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
    lack a sense of humour.
    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints
    by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by
    mechanics. (By the way
    Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
    P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S
    stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
    P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
    S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back order!!
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for!
    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a
    piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine
    was not running smoothly).
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
    P: Radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    10-08-2013 02:15 PM
  12. stalemate1's Avatar
    Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking
    thing is what you call modern art ? Art dealer: I beg
    your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
    10-08-2013 02:17 PM
  13. stalemate1's Avatar
    Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in
    punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and
    are still digging for more..
    10-08-2013 02:17 PM
  14. stalemate1's Avatar
    One day a guy with a Mini Cooper had a some engine
    problems. He pulled over, popped the hood and had a
    peek. Fifteen minutes later, there was steam everywhere
    and he was sitting on the curb. Then another guy with a
    Porsche 911 Turbo pulled up and asked him his
    problem. He told him and the guy with the Porsche
    offered him a tug home. He also told the mini dude that,
    "If I go too fast, just honk your horn and flash your
    lights". At the first stop light, a Ferrari F50 stops next to
    the Porsche, now with some ballast. The F50 guy revs
    his engine and when the light turns green, the Porsche
    and Ferrari are doing 140 MPH. They pass a speed trap
    and the officer says into his CB radio, "Whoa, you won't
    believe what I just saw. I need some backup! A Ferrari
    and a Porsche were doin over 140 MPH, and there was
    a Mini Cooper behind them honking his horn and
    flashing his lights, trying to get past.
    10-08-2013 02:22 PM
  15. stalemate1's Avatar
    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
    covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the
    roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all
    the other bats smelled the blood and began
    hassling him about where he got it. He told them
    to go away and let him get some sleep but they
    persisted until finally he gave in."OK, follow me"
    he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
    bats behind him. Down through the valley they
    went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
    Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
    excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree
    over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!"
    the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the
    bat, "Because I sure as anything didn't!"
    10-08-2013 02:25 PM
  16. stalemate1's Avatar
    Note: I don't support animal abuse at all!

    A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does
    anyone here own that rottweiler outside?""Yeah, I
    do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about
    it?""Well, I think my chihuahua just killed
    him...""What are you talkin' about?!" the biker
    says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my
    rottweiler?""Well, it seems he got stuck in
    your dog's throat!"
    10-08-2013 02:26 PM
  17. stalemate1's Avatar
    "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew
    I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602
    from New York to London. We are currently flying at a
    height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."If you
    look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
    aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
    are on fire."If you look out of the windows on the port
    side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen
    off."If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
    will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it
    waving at you."That's me your captain, the co-pilot,
    and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded
    message. Have a good flight!"
    10-08-2013 02:28 PM
  18. stalemate1's Avatar
    A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at
    Misawa AFB in Japan.He'd been given a beautiful
    renovated office and had it furnished with
    antiques.Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come
    into his outer office.Wishing to appear the hot shot, the
    officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he
    was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.He
    threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked
    about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii,
    and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base
    Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group
    and Naval Air Facility.Finally he hung up and asked the
    Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"The TSGT said,
    "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."
    10-08-2013 02:29 PM
  19. stalemate1's Avatar
    At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was
    woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his
    telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the
    phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the
    other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I
    had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."
    10-08-2013 02:30 PM
  20. stalemate1's Avatar
    A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a
    round of golf at the country club and they were
    changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench
    rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey,"
    said the woman on the other end. "Hi honey," replied
    the man. "I was just calling to tell you about this fur
    coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love
    the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain.
    It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?" The man
    thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a
    good deal?" "Oh yes," replied the woman. "Okay then, I
    guess you can get it," replied the man. The woman
    continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been thinking
    about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new
    Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the
    guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price
    from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?" The
    man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's
    a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."
    The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey.
    Remember that house we saw last month that we really
    liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's
    on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down
    to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have
    enough in the checking account so that I can just write
    a check. Should I get it?" The man got a frown on his
    face and said,"See if you can get them down to
    $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get
    it." The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey,
    thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!"
    "Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked
    at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does
    anyone know whose phone this is?"
    10-08-2013 02:32 PM
  21. stalemate1's Avatar
    Up In Smoke
    A clever lawyer bought a pack of cigars and had them
    insured against all sorts of catastrophes including
    floods, storms, and of course fire. A few months later he
    filed a claim saying his cigars had all disappeared in a
    series of “small fires”. The insurance company correctly
    assumed that he had smoked them and told him to get
    lost. The judge however force the insurance company to
    pay up because they didn’t specify the type or size of
    fire in the contract.
    While insurance plays an important role in society there
    are pitfalls to any social system.
    everybody on this list is out to suck as much money as
    they can from the insurance companies…some are
    genuinely having a terribly unfortunate day, but either
    way these claims can be pretty funny. These are the 25
    most ridiculous insurance claims ever.
    Cow Lick
    A couple vacationing isurance claim for the paint on
    their car after it got licked off by a herd of cows.
    Monkey Business
    While vacationing in Malasia a couple had their clothes
    stolen and scattered around the jungle by a thieving
    band of monkeys. The insurance company agreed to
    cover their losses.
    10-08-2013 02:33 PM

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