Well, reinstalled fully.
As soon as I had my network driver in and logged in, the computer then proceeded to redownload the drivers I used on my last install. The screen would flicker every now and then and I'd find something that I didn't expect to return just sitting there. However, any program I attempted to open would auto-close after another flicker, as if the computer was trying to slap my hand away.
The rational side of me knows it probably just kept a record of the stuff I installed on my onedrive. The more conspiratorial side?
New computer overlords anyone?
EDIT: Figured out the issue, related to catalyst driver. Windows blew itself up again after a reboot. 100130 is definitely NOT safe for AMD systems yet!
However, it appears fixable. Gonna work on this for a bit.