jokes thread

stalemate1

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let's hear yours.

ill kik it off with this one I found on the net:






Letter to the Bank.
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check, and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
refer,of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted
by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
affairs in 2004, taking as my model the
procedures,attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I
can think of no greater compliment, and I know you
will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic,but will arrive at your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware
that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such anenvelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about
me,there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of
the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts,assets and abilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it can
not be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
you to my new telephone system, which you will notice,
is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
and will be answeredby an
automated voice
.Press buttons as follows:
1 To make an appointment to see me
2 To query a missing repayment
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there;(Extension of living room to be communicated at
the time the call is received).
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.(Extension of bedroom to be communicated at
the time the call is received.)
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.(Extension of toilet to be communicated at the
time the callis received.)
6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer. To leave a
message a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.
8 To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
options1 through 9
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry.The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy
wait,uplifting music will play for the duration. This
month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
of Woody Guthrie:""Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,And the vaults are filled with
silver, That the miners
sweated for."After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes
at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on
to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some
costs back. First, there is the
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will
read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed
at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed
back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, financial year.
Your humble client,
Joe Blow
 

passntyme

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"An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids. He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied: "Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already."
 

stalemate1

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Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a
coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women apply mascara with their mouths
closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume of the radio?
Why is lemon juice made from artificial flavour and
dishwashing liquid made from real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all his money called a
broker?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the
material used to make thay little indestructible black
box?
 

stalemate1

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Chilli Cook-off
Recently I was honored to be selected
as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in
my Community, to be a judge at a Chilli
cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called
in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges
that the Chilli wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted this as being one of those
burdens you endure when you're an
internet writer and therefore known
and adored by all. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster
Monster Chilli
Judge One: A little too heavy on
tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato
flavour Very mild.
Frank: Great smokes!, what is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one.
These people are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a
hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs
more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of
children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.
Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night.
She was so irritated over my gagging
sounds that the snake tattoo under her
eye started to twitch. She has arms like
Popeye and a face like Winston
Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with
her.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down
the Barn Chilli
Judge One: Excellent firehouse Chilli!
Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless Chilli, a bit salty,
good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call
the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could
make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her
"Sally." Probably behind her back they
call her "Forklift."
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean Chilli with
almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black
beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a Chilli.
Frank: I felt something scraping across
my tongue but was unable to taste it.
Sally was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash
over to see her. When she winked at me
her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled...
it's kinda cute.
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong Chilli.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chilli using shredded beef;
could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I belched and
four people in front of me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her Chilli had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that
one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety Chilli. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use
of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally. I asked if she wants to go
dancing later.
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation
Chilli
Judge One: A mediocre Chilli with too
much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef threw in canned Chilli peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about Judge Number 3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a hand grenade in
my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in
one eye and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with Chilli which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth at some point. Good,
at autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Go Sally, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was
not there to conceive them. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in
through the hole in my stomach. Call
the X-Files people and tell them I've
found a super nova on my tongue.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
Judge One: This final entry is a good,
balanced Chilli, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the Chilli pot on top of himself.
Judge Two: A perfect ending, this is a
nice blend Chilli, safe for all, not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Frank: Momma...
 

stalemate1

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Please if you are American then please do not take
offence.
what I here this took place in 2004 I think, I'm not sure
if its true but anyway.
Now there was this American aircraft carrier in some
watter space some where and they were traveling and
traveling and suddenly noticed a blimp on their radar, so
they radio the blimp and say to it "this is the American
aircraft carrier 152 Hamsly (cant remember name but
anyway) start your engines and move out our way" no
response...so they call the deck manager and he says
the same but no reply...then the junior officer goes on
the radio and says the same thing but again no
response from the blimp so they call the senior officer,
he says the same thing to the blimp and again no
reply...so then they bring the warrent officer and he
says to the blimp on the radio "you are in our course,
start your engines and move off" no reply from the
blimp...then the commanding officer says the same
thing but yet again no reponce or reply from the blimp
on the radar, so taken back he calls the commander
and fills him on the details of what's happening with
this blimp so the commander radios the blimp and says
" this is the American aircraft carrier 152 Hamsly, start
your engines and move out our way immediately or we
will open fire and sink you" a reply comes back from the
blimp "this is a light house"
 

stalemate1

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Here's another I got of the net.
I would like to share an experience with you all, about
drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have
had brushes with the authorities on our way home from
the odd social session
over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with
some friends and had a few too many beers and some
rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit,
I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus
home.
Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was
a bus they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real
surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not
even sure where I got
it!
 

stalemate1

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Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres
Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres
Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood -
30 metres
Scuba diving world record - 137 metres
World war 2 submarine - 200 metres
Depth my ?14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres
Cheers Casio, that's a relief
 

stalemate1

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Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end
there because
some Spanish dirt bags invaded our country and we got
a little busy, ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
 

stalemate1

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Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency)
frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to
Dubai ..
Iranian Air Defence Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in
Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi
airspace.'
Air Defence Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do
not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor
aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter.
Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defence Site: ( .... Total silence)
 

stalemate1

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The Mule Raffle
An old country farmer with serious financial problems
bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who
agreed to deliver the mule the
next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but
I have some bad news." "The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold
the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead
mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500
tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back."
 

stalemate1

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Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints
by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by
mechanics. (By the way
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.).
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S
stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a
piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine
was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 

stalemate1

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Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking
thing is what you call modern art ? Art dealer: I beg
your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
 

stalemate1

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Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in
punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and
are still digging for more..
 

stalemate1

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One day a guy with a Mini Cooper had a some engine
problems. He pulled over, popped the hood and had a
peek. Fifteen minutes later, there was steam everywhere
and he was sitting on the curb. Then another guy with a
Porsche 911 Turbo pulled up and asked him his
problem. He told him and the guy with the Porsche
offered him a tug home. He also told the mini dude that,
"If I go too fast, just honk your horn and flash your
lights". At the first stop light, a Ferrari F50 stops next to
the Porsche, now with some ballast. The F50 guy revs
his engine and when the light turns green, the Porsche
and Ferrari are doing 140 MPH. They pass a speed trap
and the officer says into his CB radio, "Whoa, you won't
believe what I just saw. I need some backup! A Ferrari
and a Porsche were doin over 140 MPH, and there was
a Mini Cooper behind them honking his horn and
flashing his lights, trying to get past.
 

stalemate1

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the
roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all
the other bats smelled the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them
to go away and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in."OK, follow me"
he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him. Down through the valley they
went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree
over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!"
the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the
bat, "Because I sure as anything didn't!"
 

stalemate1

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Note: I don't support animal abuse at all!

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does
anyone here own that rottweiler outside?""Yeah, I
do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about
it?""Well, I think my chihuahua just killed
him...""What are you talkin' about?!" the biker
says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my
rottweiler?""Well, it seems he got stuck in
your dog's throat!"
 

stalemate1

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"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew
I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602
from New York to London. We are currently flying at a
height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."If you
look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
are on fire."If you look out of the windows on the port
side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen
off."If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it
waving at you."That's me your captain, the co-pilot,
and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded
message. Have a good flight!"
 

stalemate1

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A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at
Misawa AFB in Japan.He'd been given a beautiful
renovated office and had it furnished with
antiques.Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come
into his outer office.Wishing to appear the hot shot, the
officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he
was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.He
threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked
about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii,
and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base
Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group
and Naval Air Facility.Finally he hung up and asked the
Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"The TSGT said,
"Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."
 

stalemate1

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At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was
woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his
telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the
phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the
other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I
had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."
 

stalemate1

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A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a
round of golf at the country club and they were
changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench
rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey,"
said the woman on the other end. "Hi honey," replied
the man. "I was just calling to tell you about this fur
coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love
the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain.
It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?" The man
thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a
good deal?" "Oh yes," replied the woman. "Okay then, I
guess you can get it," replied the man. The woman
continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been thinking
about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new
Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the
guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price
from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?" The
man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's
a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."
The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey.
Remember that house we saw last month that we really
liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's
on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down
to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have
enough in the checking account so that I can just write
a check. Should I get it?" The man got a frown on his
face and said,"See if you can get them down to
$420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get
it." The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey,
thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!"
"Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked
at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does
anyone know whose phone this is?"
 

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