Got about six Windows 8/8.1 computers that have been running beautifully.. yet my main one (Surface Pro 3) just hit me with this:

And I think this may be the most annoying thing I've dealt with in a long while.
Of course, no IT guy's actually willing to suck it up as a "can't be fixed" error and just refresh/factory reset it when it's his own machine. Nah, I wanna crack this bad boy open.
As it should come to no one's surprise, I've already researched the living heck out of this... so here's the long, long list of crap that didn't work:
Originally Posted by CDL42, Solution #1: Windows Store Reset
Method: Run -> WSReset.exe
Reaction: Store will open up normally for about 4-9 seconds, then return to the "Something went wrong" screen
Originally Posted by MasterLatios, Solution #2: Basic Windows Maintenance
Method: Run Elevated Disk Cleanup, Scan with Windows Defender
Reaction: Got about 2.1GB back... but nothing else. Didn't actually expect this to work... but y'know... midnight rolls around and you get hysterical.
Originally Posted by Microsoft, Solution #3: Modern UI App Troubleshooter
Method: Run apps.diagcab/AppsDiagnostic.diagcab
Reaction: Same as #1
Originally Posted by Myself, Solution #4: System File Checker
Method: (Elevated cmd) sfc /scannow
Reaction: Says everything's good...
Originally Posted by Mark kevinJ, Solution #5: Delete EDB logs
Method: TakeOwnership C:\ProgramData\Microsoft\Windows\AppRepository and remove the edb logs
Reaction: Same as #1
Originally Posted by Luis Cantero, Solution #6: Rebuild the Manifest
Method: (Elevated cmd) powershell -ExecutionPolicy Unrestricted Add-AppxPackage -DisableDevelopmentMode -Register $Env:SystemRoot\WinStore\AppxManifest.XML
Reaction:

Originally Posted by My Dad, Solution #7: Create New Admin to Rebuild Databases
Method: Create new acct, give admin privs, Logon as MS Account
Reaction: When the new user is created, it logs on fine, but all Metro apps have a red X and close immediately - even PC Settings.. meaning if I were to delete my primary account, I wouldn't be able to make any new accounts.
Originally Posted by thezerfi, Solution #8: DISM Scanhealth/Restoreheath
Method: (Elevated cmd) DISM.exe /Online /Cleanup-image /Scanhealth
DISM.exe /Online /Cleanup-image /Restorehealth
Reaction: Claimed to fix the store... but I got the same problem as #1.
Anyone got solutions I haven't tried yet?
UPDATE: Looks like we have a winner!
Originally Posted by SadiqAlin, WINNING SOLUTION: Kill the Package Repository
Method: Same as Solution #5: TakeOwnership of the dir C:\ProgramData\Microsoft\Windows\AppRepository, then delete edb logs, but there's also a file in there called PackageRepository.edb. Delete it and restart.
Reaction: The store is working again!