Lumia doesn't have a record player or dial up modem!!!

I have always wanted some of these competition-killing features on my WP. Imagine the market share we would get from a $5 Windows BrickPhone! No more budget phone issues anymore. Even a dedicated bacon locator app free in the Nokia collection? Screw instagram, I want instantgram - you click print on a pic you take and it slides out of the bottom of the phone?
 
Screw instagram, I want instantgram - you click print on a pic you take and it slides out of the bottom of the phone?
I thought you were asking for it to fill your "medical" marijuana prescription... Which would definitely be a selling point with college students!