Just for Laughs..

[Starboy21]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Go on n post some of the best jokes..

 

[Starboy21]

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

 

[raycpl]

A married couple in their early 60's are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered: "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.


... !!

 

[sarahgad]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Go on n post some of the best jokes..

This got me a stomach ache laughing.

 

[raycpl]

(Sorry, deleting a double post)
... !!

 

[Starboy21]

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”

 

[Josiah23]

This is the best thread ever @Starboy21, the first post killed me and @raycpl, that was hilarious

 

[Starboy21]

A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that the jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch. “That is true,” he responded, “but it does depend at what speed you are carrying that torch.”

 

[Starboy21]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[Starboy21]

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it? ‘
The neighbor says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
‘This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

 

[Icezickle]

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it? ‘
The neighbor says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
‘This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

 

[Josiah23]

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it? ‘
The neighbor says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
‘This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

sheesh

 

[Icezickle]

Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."